The First week

It's easier to miss you than to pretend to be friends on a surface level, acting like everything is ok. I feel selfish for wanting distance because I know you need a real friend right now too, but I know my heart won't let me be that friend at this moment. I'm still thinking of you every minute..every second. I let myself miss you instead of trying to forget you. I know we had real love, maybe it was just our lifestyles not matching up and I feel like it made us resent each other. If you could put us on an island, just us two with no outside influences, the love is there and we would be the happiest couple on earth.. Or so my mind believes right now. I have to let go of hope that you and I will end up back together.. That does not mean I would never try again, it just makes it easier on my mind to accept things for what they are right now. I was always in love, even when I tried pushing you away. I was scared and insecure and never meant to hurt you or make you see me in a different light. I am learning to live with my greatest mistake. It hurts me to think you might find someone else and that they will treat you better than I did.. I know, selfish of me because that would be amazing for you. It's hard to admit that I would eventually be happy for you if that was the case, but I would. I just want you to be happy. I hope you learn to believe in love again and that there is somebody perfect out there for you that treats you with respect and is incredibly romantic and loving.

Thought Dump..

I miss you more every day. This space has given me a lot of reflection on the last few months. I just hate how we ended up treating eachother after the break up.I was not a good person to you..We were not good people to eachother. We have now shown eachother our worst sides and it seems like our foundation was never really that strong since we didn't survive this..Sometimes it's hard to know if our love was ever real. Was drinking the only thing we had in common? Is it the only thing that kept us together? I still don't know if you kept certain people around because you always knew we wouldn't work out and you needed a backup plan just incase. These are heavy thoughts to have. I hate overthinking. Maybe these are normal thoughts to experience after a break up.

The Stars

I look up at the night sky, see the shimmering stars and the image of your perfect skin and beautiful smile fill my brain. I wonder if you too are thinking of me, staring at the same sky. I stay up late knowing things are different and that your calls may never come again. Were we in a trance the last few months? It's scary to not feel connected to you anymore. I have become a lot closer with my brother and sister, calling my sister in Arizona almost every day.. It is to have somebody to talk to. I try not to keep anything in my head anymore, I know I feel better when I talk things through. I am not alone but I feel forever incomplete. I have never loved somebody this much, that losing them makes me sick to my stomache and unable to sleep or function. It isn't easy letting go. I have compiled many thoughts like this in my phone, writing down things whenever I feel like reaching out to you. I don't know if you will ever get the chance to read these or not.. Maybe its for the best, as I don't always have positive reflections. Sometimes my mind wants to be angry with you, as if it makes it easier to get over you.. It never does. If we were talking tonight I would tell you goodnight and sweet dreams..